


Dear Bittle

by softjack



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Getting Together, Jack Zimmermann's Overdose, M/M, NHL Player Jack Zimmermann, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-10-21 23:38:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10685256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softjack/pseuds/softjack
Summary: All the emails Jack never sent to Bitty throughout the years.





	1. Number one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set the day after _Check, Please! #18 - Playoffs - Part 1_.

Dear Bittle.

My therapist told me to write letters to myself but I’ve been trying for a week now and I don’t know what to say to myself. It feels like I’ve already said it all, you know? And there’s no point in repeating it when it hasn’t gotten me anywhere so far. So I thought I’d write to someone else instead to see if that helps. I don’t know why I picked you, honestly, but I guess I just feel like I have a lot left to tell you, or at least a lot left to explain.

I know I haven’t been the most pleasant person to be around and I’m sorry for so many things. Not only for everything you actually heard but also for complaining about you when you weren’t around. To the coaches, to my parents, to Shitty. And unlike a lot of my relationships I’m the only one who should be apologizing in this one, because you’ve been so good to all of us. You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise, and I hope that eventually I’ll be brave enough to actually tell you that.

I know you’ll never read this so I’m going to be honest. I’m scared most of the time. I think fear is the base of all of my emotions, no matter if it’s of failing or of caring too much or of not being good enough. Even good things come with fear for me because I’m so scared of being extremely happy if that comes with sometimes feeling extremely sad. And you’re always so goddamn happy, Bittle, and it’s infuriating. You’re a success story that I don’t fully understand yet despite all your battles, despite all the things you’ve gone through, while I have hockey experts telling me I don’t have what it takes.

I don’t want to believe them but I don’t really have anyone telling me otherwise, do I? Everyone acts like there are so many people supporting me but after the overdose there was no one telling me that I was good enough for what I actually wanted, because the overdose kind of proved that I wasn’t. My parents are trying their best but some days I think they cry more than I do. I haven’t cried in a while now actually.

Maybe I should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to come talk to me you can do so on my tumblr [gentlejackz](https://gentlejackz.tumblr.com/) or my twitter [quinntinb](https://twitter.com/quinntinb).
> 
> I might appreciate comments and kudos too. Might. Possibly. Most likely.


	2. Number two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set at 3 a.m. after _Check, Please! #20 - Playoffs - Part 3_

Dear Bittle.

Watching you go down on the ice, I only felt fear. Not like before, I think, because this time I wasn’t scared for myself, I was scared for you, and that feels a lot worse than I thought it would. You see, I’ve always been the biggest tragedy in my own life and any other pain has been sudden but also over so fast because my own problems always seemed bigger to me. In that moment though, I wasn’t thinking about them at all and you just kept falling, ~~Bittle~~ , Bitty. I was so scared.

Then it hit me that I’d let you down. I know you’re fine, you could skate off the ice and everything, but I said I had your back, I _convinced you_. And I’d lose a game any day if it meant not letting you down after I made a promise just to calm you down. Because I knew I couldn’t promise you that, I could only promise you to try and I didn’t think that would be enough. Trying never seems to be enough for anyone because most people in my life just care about the outcome and never the intentions. It’s the same with hockey; you can love it all you want, try your best, but unless you can produce good results you’re a liability. ~~I promise you’re not a liability, Bitty, that’s not what I’m trying to say here. Stop being so hard on yourself.~~

You wanna know the worst thing though? You were the scared one and I don’t know how to forgive myself for not realizing how that must’ve felt. You see, hockey’s never scared me, ever. I think that would surprise a lot of people, but I don’t think they realize that my relationship to being on the ice is the only thing that’s kept me alive for a long time now. Hockey wasn’t what almost killed me, is what I’m trying to say. People were. No one in particular, I can’t put the blame on any one person, but the crowd just kept on growing until I felt too outnumbered. I preferred feeling numb too much for my own good because of them.

I think I prefer feeling numb to watching you fall like that too. I’m not sure yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to come talk to me you can do so on my tumblr [gentlejackz](https://gentlejackz.tumblr.com/) or my twitter [quinntinb](https://twitter.com/quinntinb).
> 
> I might appreciate comments and kudos too. Might. Possibly. Most likely.


	3. Number three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set late at night after _Check, Please! #21 – Banquet._

Dear Bittle.

Thank you for voting for me. I just wanted to get that out of the way. And I promise that this time I’m not just gonna say it in an email I won’t ever send to you. It’s enough of a surprise that _everyone_ voted for me, but even more so that you did. I know everyone keeps telling me that I’m a great leader, that I’m dedicated, but on a team like ours you can find that and more in plenty of people. Even you. _Especially_ you. You might lack a bit of hockey experience compared to the other guys but you’re getting better every day and I don’t doubt for a second that once next season comes around you’ll be making me and everyone else even more proud.

I know you worry about that, actually. You act like you think you’re gonna disappoint us but you never have and I don’t think you ever will. And if I've made you feel like you did then I am so incredibly sorry because I know how much that hurts and how long it takes to get rid of it. Disappointment is a heavy label to carry around and I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. I’ve kind of accepted that I might never be able to fully let go of it actually, or at least not as long as I’m playing hockey. Because they’ll always compare me to someone, if not my dad then my uncles or other current players, and that's a lot of pressure when you know you'll probably never be that good.

Anyway, I’m gonna miss you this summer. And it might sound awful but I don’t _truly_ miss a lot of people and it definitely isn’t normal for me to think about it before I’ve even left. You see, it’s a lot easier to leave when you don’t allow yourself to get attached, but I also think that when I’m in Chicago I’ll miss you way more than I ever thought I would. I’m not sure what that means yet because if I’m being honest that’s new to me, but I’m open to trying to figure it out. Until then I just know that _you_ mean a lot to me, Bittle, and I need to let myself make that a part of my feelings.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to come talk to me you can do so on my tumblr [gentlejackz](https://gentlejackz.tumblr.com/) or my twitter [quinntinb](https://twitter.com/quinntinb).
> 
> I might appreciate comments and kudos too. Might. Possibly. Most likely.


End file.
